Thursday, December 28, 2006

Fear

I've never really thought of myself as a fearful person. I usually have a good outlook. I'm learning a lot about fear now. It has become part of my daily existance. It's so hard to talk about. It feels like if I do, it will become real; this whole terrible situation will become real. Fear hangs over our house like an unwelcome guest, the kind that you wish would just get the hint and leave. But he doesn't. The kids are blissfully unaware at this point, and I want to keep it that way. I don't know how they will possibly understand that Mommy is dying. It would be different if we could give them a time, or the how's and why's, but it's much more complicated than that. And then there is the hope that I will somehow beat this thing, and we don't want them to go through the anxiety when there is still a chance.

I feel so sick. I'm in so much pain. This is so hard. I hope I'm up to the task.

3 Comments:

Blogger AMGblaghs said...

Oh, boo! Of all people on this planet to be in pain it is so wrong that you are one of them!

xoxoxoxoxo

3:03 PM  
Blogger tocspaw said...

Fear has a way of creeping in and slinking into the tiniest of our corners. Know that being afraid does not mean you are not strong. Sending lots of positive energy your direction...

6:42 PM  
Blogger nanmcross said...

Boo. This is your SP10 pal, Red Iron. I had a 2 page email ready to send to you, and when I tried to attach a photograph, lost it all! AACK.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers from now on. I've fought Mr. Fear and Mr. Panic since August of 2002 when I was diagnosed with Stage 4 breast cancer. I beat them down regularly but, darn it, they pop right back up. My exam time every year is a special time of angst, no matter how hard I try to not let it take over my life. I don't know what you are fighting, but know that the fact that you are still fighting is good and, also, a sign of a very strong person. Dr. V (my oncologist) told me a positive attitude was critical so I try. One of the ways I fight back is through biofeedback. Another is knitting.
Thank you for the marvelous birthday card! It came at a time when I was feeling especially alone and vulnerable (widow, kids live out of town.)
I am so very glad to have you as my pal!

8:40 PM  

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